Be like Ted Lasso…

“Guys have underestimated me my entire life and for years I never understood why – it used to really bother me. But then one day I was driving my little boy to school and I saw a quote by Walt Whitman, it was painted on the wall and it said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that” - Ted Lasso

You never truly know what someone is going through. We only see the outer part of people’s lives - what they are willing to reveal and share. There are so many other layers and details that no one but them knows. So, like Ted Lasso says, be curious, not judgmental.

I write this as I sit by my father in law’s bed at our home while he is on his final days of hospice. My amazing father in law was diagnosed last February with an incurable cancerous brain tumor - glioblastoma. It has been a year of highs and lows, ups and downs. I am a pretty open book, but still, nobody truly knows what is going on behind the scenes. We can show up, get to work, go throughout our day, and no one truly knows - except what we chose to post on social media.

"I think things come into our lives to help us get from one place to a better one." - Ted Lasso

I recently watched a reel with Anderson Cooper and Stephen Cobert where they were talking about grief. Stephen shared how grief is a gift because it gives us goes empathy so that when someone else goes through something, we can relate and hold space. I was always a sensitive kid and had empathy to a certain degree, but I truly learned empathy when I was 27 with two kids under two and married to an addict. There is shame, isolation, fear, helplessness in the hiding and the secret - this kept me from sharing what was going on even though we were in marriage counseling. I turned to my faith and ultimately transparency to eventually ask for help.

I have learned that sharing gives permission for others to share. There is no shame in telling the truth.

Loss changes us - losses big and small. The loss of the marriage I thought I would have changed me. Growing in my faith and going to Alanon changed me. It gave me understanding and empathy for anyone struggling in their marriage, faith, parenting, and addiction. Seven years of sobriety followed by five more years of active addiction eventually ended our marriage. This loss - this grief - created even more empathy for others. What I have learned on this twenty-plus-year journey is that we are always learning, growing, changing, and healing - if you’re lucky.

“Just listen to your gut, and on the way down to your gut, check in with your heart. Between those two things, they’ll let you know what’s what.” - Ted Lasso

When my ex-husband of 17 years died in a car accident just weeks after our divorce was finalized (a year and a half since our separation) I told my kids that we could either grow better or bitter from this…and I am choosing better. Just like I did when we went through his first phase of addiction, I chose faith, family, therapy, community, coaching, support, growing, learning, and healing.

Loss gives way to grief. I grieved my husband and my marriage - even when he was alive, which is so very common with addiction and disease. There was a different layer of grief when the marriage ended and then another layer when he passed.

These layers? That’s what we don’t see from the outside. We don’t see the details. We don’t see all that is said and felt when no one is around. As much support as I had from certain people in my life during these hard things…the only people who really knew what was happening were the people living it with me, day in and day out…in my home. And even each one of them has a different perspective and experience from what happened.

Nobody but my kids and I truly know and understand what walking that journey was like…not even the ones walking with us. And just like that, I can’t begin to know what someone else is going through. But I can withhold judgment and be curious. I can have empathy and hold space. Because I have been somewhere similar. Because I believe we grow through what we go through so that we can be there for others when they go through things.

"You know how they say that 'youth is wasted on the young'? Well, I say don't let the wisdom of age be wasted on you.”

I have learned GRATITUDE - for all of it. I have learned to appreciate stillness and quiet. I have learned that we don’t really know anything and we are all just trying to figure things out the best we can with the wisdom and experience we have. I have learned that not everyone is on the journey to healing - and that’s ok. I have learned to not judge - anyone. And to be curious.

I have learned that life can very cruel…and that God is still GOOD.

My ex husband taught me how strong I am.

My kids taught me how to love.

My husband taught me what it was to be loved.

“I want you to be grateful that you're going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain't nobody in this room alone. Let's be sad now. Let's be sad together.” - Ted Lasso

My precious father-in-law taught me pure acceptance and unconditional love. He accepted me and my kids from the moment we met him. He not only invited us into his family, but welcomed us. He has treated us as family from day one, no questions asked, no judgment. He has treated me like I have been married to Marty his whole adult life and my kids like his very own grandkids - they could not have a better second papa.

My parents and Wayne have shown me how to serve, love for a long time, be a strong family and good friend, and how I want and don’t want to live my life. Mostly, they have reminded me of what truly matters - God, people, love, take care of your health, be a good person, and try to have a lot of fun.

Grief is a gift. It means we loved someone or something so much that the loss hurts. That is something to be grateful for.

Grief is a gift. If we allow it to be. It can cause us to be hardened, bitter, hurt…and hurt people hurt people.

Grief is a GIFT. If we allow it to be. It can allow us to learn, grow, go through hard things without being hardened, and heal…because healed people heal people.

"It may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does. But believe me, it will all work out." - Ted Lasso